Tomorrow Ben would turn three. I've realized for those who have lost loved ones...the pain…
We went camping this weekend in Buena Vista, CO with some good friends, who have kids the same age as our girls. It was a beautiful weekend of nothing but nature, hiking, campfires with S'mores and writing. I even got to unplug from electronics for almost an entire four days, imagine that!
So, we got through last week relatively unscathed. I spent July 7th with a spiritual, soul friend for lunch and then with a large group (8 adults, 7 kids and 3 dogs) of wonderful friends for a BBQ at our house, full of a bit of serious talk, but mostly laughs and good food. It all got me thinking...you know, life includes the good and bad days - you can't get around that, especially after a loss. And, you have to learn how to ride them like waves. Yesterday was a bit tougher, after a full day of isolation and writing, which leads to A LOT of thinking. And, here is my quick conclusion from a day of processing various emotions:
My new job should be as a risk assessor, since I have developed a strong instinctual aversion to LOSS, of all types. I avoid it at all costs. I also have a rough time with transitions, as they are linked to change and loss in certain ways for me. The end of the school year, then the end of summer, starting anything new, leaving anything old. Change reminds me of the reality that most everything in life is transitory or can be. I feel like the 2-year old girl in daycare that gets a note sent home to her parents "Suzy has trouble with transitions between centers." Or, more so, I have become the character "Fear" from the movie Inside Out. This is me...the risk assessor:
Yes, that's ME! My brain immediately assesses the potential for any kind of danger or loss in any given situation. Campfires, swimming at the pool, climbing rocks, riding bikes down the street, even things as benign is leaning against our stair banisters (yes, I visualize all possible outcomes)...enter FEAR, loss avoider mom to the rescue. It also pertains to myself, though, which can be debilitating. What is the risk of loss in the future for any new situation -- job that I may grow to enjoy, new friends that I may allow into my life and care about, writing books, etc. At first I tried to turn this lemon into lemonade and stay positive -- "Without risking loss, you never truly live!" And on and on. But, truthfully, I've realized recently that No, I am (anyone is) allowed to feel these emotions after significant, sudden loss and just exist with that emotion for awhile. If I push it out, that can do more damage than good. It is part of what we went through. And, possibly over time it will lessen, but right now, today in this moment, I have to just let instinct reign, let the waves of each emotion, each day, wash over me and then move on to another day. Maybe one day, I won't be risk assessor, loss avoider MOM/WIFE/FRIEND and will just be normal me, but not today and I'm okay with that.