The Gift of Ben

“The universe is wider than our views of it.” (Henry David Thoreau) In the days after losing Ben, my heart existed outside my body searching for him. But, I couldn’t find him. I felt as if he were nowhere – not even in Heaven. I don’t think I even believed in God those first few […]

“The world is sound.” Before Ben passed away, the girls and I rode our Jeep Cherokee around town with the windows down, music blaring, our voices screeching through the air. I quit listening to music regularly for nearly six years, from 2016 through the beginning of 2023. Music means happiness to me. A light uplifting […]

One of the scariest things in the world to be is raw and authentic. I’ve lived in silence all my life, so this is especially hard for me publishing my memoir. I think about the media frenzy that may ensue around my memoir, especially surrounding my mental illness. I’ve struggled a good bit over the […]

This sounds funny looking back, but it was not at the time…. I was in a zen, laid back, vibing with the universe space driving Riley, my 14-year-old daughter, over to the local trail for a run/bike ride together this afternoon. This is my safe space…with her, in nature, talking, biking while she does her […]

“It was in the small room at Duke University Hospital … where I had first made the decision that love was worth the pain. That there would be a Kaylyn, a Riley, and a Ben.” (Excerpt, The Gift of Ben, Chapter 36) Shortly after being diagnosed with manic depression at the age of 23, I sat […]

As I laid supine on the bearskin rug in my meditative instructor’s apartment in 2014, ancient instruments singing, my instructor walking around me, leading me deeper, I felt my earthly body sinking into the old wooden floors. Deeper, deeper, until I became the floor. I saw (or felt, or sensed) wisps of smoke floating up […]

I’ve found myself writing and working on my deck most of the week, enveloped by an array of sunshine and eighty-five degree days. Much like the weather, throughout life my moods have risen and fallen in quick succession. Like most people, I find it easy to be joyous, motivated and exuberant on the sunny days, […]

Excerpt, The Gift of Ben, Chapter 17 I entered the bedroom where there had once been breathing and laughter, but which was now only an empty reservoir of our lives. His pajamas, white with an alligator near the hem, green around the shoulders, lay crumpled on the bed where Kyle had changed him the day […]

I’ve put so much energy into defining the concept of love over the past few months, gearing up for my book release, which is aligned with Mental Health Awareness Month. I feel like I’m searching for the impossible. My journey with love is still on-going, and I’m beginning to think there may be no adequate […]