Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy. I love and miss you. The years pass, but…
"The universe is wider than our views of it." (Henry David Thoreau)
In the days after losing Ben, my heart existed outside my body searching for him. But, I couldn't find him. I felt as if he were nowhere - not even in Heaven. I don't think I even believed in God those first few days. Over time, I began to open up and felt him with me. As I discussed in my blog "The Incredible Lightness of Being," during a deep meditative session with Alexandre Tannous, a renowned sound therapist, I connected with Ben, as we became one, flying together through the universe. He talked to me without words and showed me various things. "I’m here with you all the time," he said as he showed me a picture of a ladybug. Since then, ladybugs show up in my life either when I need Ben or (it seems) when I'm doing God's will and Ben wants me to know that. When I decided in December to quit my job as a practicing attorney in "Big Law" and dedicate my life to helping others through writing and speaking, ladybugs were everywhere. One on the ceiling in my bathroom for a month in January. A few months later in the pickup line at school, as I stood outside the car reading a book. A few days ago, when Riley and I were running at the local trail. Each time, these instances are days after big decisions in my life.
I woke up yesterday with God on my mind. My journey back to faith has been laborious at best. But, yesterday was different. I had a dream that God was with me, cloaking me with a soft blanket, and I jolted out of bed at 4 am. Something had changed within me. That morning, I walked out on our deck to work and read and happened to look down at the door handle:
"Hey Ben!" I said out loud and stood there for several minutes. I texted a friend in Colorado who lost her daughter in a tragic car accident in October. She has been struggling to feel her daughter again. I told her the story of connecting with Ben and him showing me the ladybug, sharing the picture above. She immediately texted back: She had been talking to a friend Monday about my texting her to check in early Sunday morning and how much it meant to her. As they were talking, a ladybug lit on her hand and would not fly away. She sat there with it in silence, ultimately walking it over to a tree for safety. I told her, "Maybe Ben is with your daughter, they are both 10 years old. Maybe she can't get to you yet, but Ben can."
I'm not wise enough to understand how the universe works, so all I have is my own experience. Our loved ones are all around us - in the crisp autumn breeze, birds singing above, creek babbling at our feet. Just sit and listen.