So, we finally closed on our house in Connecticut Thursday afternoon. Much of my anxiety…
"The world is sound."
Before Ben passed away, the girls and I rode our Jeep Cherokee around town with the windows down, music blaring, our voices screeching through the air. I quit listening to music regularly for nearly six years, from 2016 through the beginning of 2023. Music means happiness to me. A light uplifting of the soul with each beat. The past years have been nothing but light for me. They have been a lesson in numbing pain, addiction, and a misery of the soul. I lived each day just to get by, working long hours in a job that brought me no joy, just going through the motions. Day in and day out.
But, now, I want to live. Fully, unabashedly, openly, full of joy.
In the months after Ben's death, we started feeling moments of joy again. I felt guilty. I remember asking Kaylyn one day whether I was allowed to laugh and smile. "Of course," she responded. We are allowed to laugh!
Recently, I've started living again. I listen to music daily, loudly.
We even dance. Yes, at the age of 44, Kyle and I go with friends to a new venue that just opened up in our town with a club on the upper level. There is nothing more liberating than sharing a dance floor with others living joyously as well. Smiles, movement, the speakers vibrating around you. It is more like a shared liberation with humanity.
So, I guess my message today is simple -- life may be complicated and hard. But you are allowed to have fun once in awhile. You need it!
(Nada Brahma, Joachim-Ernst Berendt)