How do you enjoy the holidays without one of your children? I'm struggling with that…
Time. It has passed so quickly, yet so slowly at the same time. It seems like just yesterday that I was kissing your dimples for our first Christmas together. Today, I turn 40 and we are all getting ready to go out to dinner to celebrate. I find myself just wanting to talk to you. Just me and you, my baby boy. Can I give you an update? Though, I’m sure you already know. Your sisters have grown up into beautiful little women. Kaylyn is twelve and has become a true friend to me. Today, I felt an intense sense of missing you, triggered by seeing a picture of you unexpectedly in a friend’s blog. I brought Kaylyn into the bedroom with me, and I told her how I was feeling. “I don’t really know what to say,” she responded. Paused. Then reached over to give me a hug. Sometimes that is all I need. She is still in love with soccer. Yes, I know her balls were your favorite. She’s become quite studious too. Riley is ten and she’s still my little soulmate. She comforts me in ways I don’t even know I need. She’s become quite a little runner now, and we go on runs together. Sometimes we talk and sometimes we just run in silence to clear our heads. She’s so spirited. I wonder what you and I would be doing together now?
Christmas brings so many emotions rushing back. It is the empty seat at my birthday dinner. The presents that are not under the tree. The stocking that is missing. The cries of joy on Christmas morning that will be only echos. A holiday to worship our Savior’s birth, when I still struggle with why I lost you and where God was in that moment. It is an emotion I cannot put into words. I have a friend who lost her daughter too. She told me that we move “forward,” but we do not move “on.” I think she’s right. We have jobs, engross ourselves in the girls’ lives, go through the day to day and even enjoy it along the way. But, Christmas brings me back to that intangible “thing” that still brings me to tears. What is it? The pain from two entangled souls being so far apart? A mother should not lose her child. There is a yearning to see you again and touch you physically….things which I cannot do. Sometimes you come to me in dreams, and it is like a drink of fresh water. But, then I wake up, and you are not there. Please visit me more often in dreams. It is the closest I can get right now.
We will have a Merry Christmas with the girls and your Nana and Papa, but it just won’t be the same without you. Thanks for letting me talk to you for a few minutes. I miss, miss, miss you so terribly. I love you endlessly.
For more information on ways to comfort through the holidays, please visit my friend’s blog: Holiday Comfort.
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!