I don't look at pictures often. I assume it is a survival tactic. We haven't put…
I have healed from some aspects of grief, but I have not healed from my shadow life. I feel its magnetism in my chest as I walk down Main Street with Riley, back in Ridgefield for a book signing. The smell of sweet hibiscus, fresh cut grass; the gentle touch of a Spring breeze. This is where....
Ben rests, my heart rests
We were supposed to watch our family grow up, football games at the local high school, bundled in layers
We walked down these streets, laughter wafting to the sky
Held hands, sat together watching parades
Drove through a tunnel of brilliant Fall foliage, majestic as it was
I realize you can grieve the loss of a life you wanted. A life you thought was yours. In an instant it was gone. Later that day, we went back to our friend's house where we spent almost every weekend before Ben passed. This window where Ben sat pointing to an infinity outside, which we adults could not see. This porch where we roasted S'mores, laughed endlessly, watched football in the beautiful Fall weather. I isolate myself in ways now, as if I cannot live a life that wasn't supposed to be. These friends....the ones I left. Tears flowed, actually tears flowed all night. As my friend said, "I don't need new friends. I need time with my old friends."
I grieve my shadow life and feel is oozing through my pores each time I return to my home in Connecticut. Maybe this is the grief from which you never heal. The shadow life that included a Ben, that included all of us. Here.
This is where my heart rests.