Dealing with grief

I always thought, one day, I will figure it all out. The meaning of it all – of God, and you and me, and what is left when it is all gone. So, I searched. I pleaded in church pews and devoured books. I avoided the reality of evasive and unsatisfactory answers with the pure […]

A friend invited us today to join her family at a summer concert in the park here in Colorado. It is the second of the summer, and I haven’t been able to make myself go yet. I know we should, I’m sure it is lovely and fun. I miss it. But, the memories are too […]

A few weeks after Ben died, we had our first encounter with a service dog in training (to work with individuals with PTSD). We met him at Tazza, our favorite local coffee shop where we’d spent endless hours with Ben and our family friends. His owner gave us a card, and we later invited them to our house […]

Why don’t you look me in the eyes? It was a legitimate question, but she was a new friend, who didn’t Know, so I faltered. How do you say…. The eyes are dangerous, and in their reflection, I cannot hide Me, and what I’ve seen, touched, heard and experienced, who I’ve loved and lost, the […]

I don’t look at pictures often. I assume it is a survival tactic. We haven’t put pictures of Ben around our new house yet, and I don’t carry one in my wallet. They cut to the core. When I break down and look through iPhoto, I smell him, feel his soft, innocent skin and curly blond hair, […]

Chiseled mountains, worn thin and strong, by rivulets of yesterday’s rain; speckled rocks beneath our feet, glistening with memories, earthy and jagged. Our bodies move in unison with one shadow to hide the secrets of Silence, only breathing. And magpies soaring above, crying. Prominent red rocks lie contemplative in the distance, emanating an energy from […]

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby  After several weeks of torrential downpours, thunderstorms, hail and even snow, I awoke […]

I halfheartedly pulled myself out of bed early this morning to hike/run the Manitou Incline with a good friend. The Incline has become a famous local challenge – something you have to try once,  and you can wear as a badge of honor, if you conquer it. Athletes love to compare times, since it’s a great test of your fitness and mental determination. […]

As a runner, you learn how to feel the pain; in each solitary moment of a step, to feel every inch of your body; mindless, you simply exist in the moment. Your soul becomes physical, each ache and pain, burning muscles, lungs taking in the life of the wildflowers, red sandstone, peaks in the distance speakingI am alive,  the breeze carrying droplets of crystal water off the mountain, and […]