Dealing with grief

All around me I see the tapestry of leaves turning orange yellow red amongst the still fresh greenery. They are not ready to give way to the crisp fall breeze. There is heartache in the fresh New England air, a relenting of sorts. I feel the transformation –a quiet giving of a peace offering to […]

While developing a proposal for my next book, I had the opportunity to interview many families who are stuck in the mental health/criminal justice systems. This has involved interviews of mothers and fathers mourning a life that could have been, desperately searching for a way to tear their child out of the system that has […]

I have healed from some aspects of grief, but I have not healed from my shadow life. I feel its magnetism in my chest as I walk down Main Street with Riley, back in Ridgefield for a book signing. The smell of sweet hibiscus, fresh cut grass; the gentle touch of a Spring breeze. This […]

I was not born a wife, grieving mother, manic depressive, or lawyer. Though with the passage of time and the hands of fate, I became all those things. However, I was born a writer. Through written words I speak my truth so that others can experience the beauty of the unknown world. A world where… […]

“The universe is wider than our views of it.” (Henry David Thoreau) In the days after losing Ben, my heart existed outside my body searching for him. But, I couldn’t find him. I felt as if he were nowhere – not even in Heaven. I don’t think I even believed in God those first few […]

“The world is sound.” Before Ben passed away, the girls and I rode our Jeep Cherokee around town with the windows down, music blaring, our voices screeching through the air. I quit listening to music regularly for nearly six years, from 2016 through the beginning of 2023. Music means happiness to me. A light uplifting […]

One of the scariest things in the world to be is raw and authentic. I’ve lived in silence all my life, so this is especially hard for me publishing my memoir. I think about the media frenzy that may ensue around my memoir, especially surrounding my mental illness. I’ve struggled a good bit over the […]

This sounds funny looking back, but it was not at the time…. I was in a zen, laid back, vibing with the universe space driving Riley, my 14-year-old daughter, over to the local trail for a run/bike ride together this afternoon. This is my safe space…with her, in nature, talking, biking while she does her […]

“It was in the small room at Duke University Hospital … where I had first made the decision that love was worth the pain. That there would be a Kaylyn, a Riley, and a Ben.” (Excerpt, The Gift of Ben, Chapter 36) Shortly after being diagnosed with manic depression at the age of 23, I sat […]

As I laid supine on the bearskin rug in my meditative instructor’s apartment in 2014, ancient instruments singing, my instructor walking around me, leading me deeper, I felt my earthly body sinking into the old wooden floors. Deeper, deeper, until I became the floor. I saw (or felt, or sensed) wisps of smoke floating up […]