Dealing with grief

 I am always moved each season by the song “Home for the Holidays.” In the past, it has elicited a general sense of yearning, but superficial to the touch. A temporary graze of the hand, quickly eased.When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze. This year, I am mired in its depths. Its […]

 I must show you the other side of broken,as I watch you dream, the wisps of your breath an innocence encircling my chest;can I share with you now, as you sleep?Your soul can keep the secret, until you need to know.But, not now, not tonight. For this moment alone, I will share with you what I […]

I don’t cry, or at least not much. I’ve shed more tears in the past 4 months than the better part of my entire life. Sunday ended with an unexpected few tears appearing, while we were out for dinner with friends. It had been a particularly rough few days involving an intense yearning for parts […]

Since Ben’s passing, I’ve often heard “oh, the holidays will be hard.” Holidays? Which ones? Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, his birthday, Easter? Or what about July 4th, when we played at the beach and watched fireworks together? Or Memorial Day, when he sat on his daddy’s lap watching the parade and was so enthralled by the […]

 To, my daughter K If all else fell away,and you simplyWere.The clouds turning to ice with our exhale,I would stay.And, sit. Embracing the silence,existing beside you.Look – the snow blowing in sheets off the mountain.Do you See? Shivering, I would lean toward you,listen, that’s my heart, and feel -the warmth pulsating,surrounding us. Protecting us.The sun blinds in its […]

 Can I fall into you, my son?Love becomesOnly a combination of letters, born from the lines and curvatures of our limited consciousnessChristening our lips for the unspeakable, the unknowableAs one bubbles, upon another, in singularity these words give life. I feelYour presence is like the universe, expandingenergy that blankets my everything, my history and future […]

Surviving grief, and living. The initial steps are simple, mindless, but the latter steps more arduous. The day after your trauma – get out of bed. Shower. Shave. Its that simple. I promise. Trust me. The three month anniversary. There is no recipe, this maze is complicated, winding, and individual. But, I can talk about what today […]

Its tough to write much these days. Not because we aren’t “okay” (in the sense of the word that most people think about), but more because writing takes a mental focus and freedom that is difficult to find in our lives right now, for we continue to be weighted down by extraneous factors that take […]

I’ve never been one for clubs, but I now find myself a member of an exclusive club that no mother wants to join.  The hallways of this club are convoluted, dark and lonely. The first few days after Ben’s death, I walked through these corridors alone, crying and beating against its walls for comfort. Then, […]

Mommy, mommy!! I want to show you something!!With a devious smirk, my six-year old glanced quickly at my parents sitting on the couch across the living room, straight faces, belying her intent. Oh boy, I thought, what’s next? Proceed with caution. Her spirit exudes, the energy that has forced me to put one foot in front […]